Hi, all.
Time for a different take on my Top Ten lists. If you've read the title (which should be the only reason you've clicked on this <0_0<), you'll know this is a "worst" list. All of my previous works have been ecstatic towards what I've been reviewing, so prepare for some hate.
This one, ironically, focuses on one of my favorite shows. "Doctor Who" may be utterly fantastic in most parts, but every show has its fair share of crap. Here are ten of what I consider the high-points in Whovian failure:
(If you want more information on the show, check my Top Ten Best: Modern Doctor Who Episodes)
10) "The Time of the Doctor" (by Steven Moffat, 2013)
Doctor: Matt Smith & Peter Capaldi (11/12)
Plot: The Doctor takes Clara away from her hassled Christmas dinner to track a message that was sent across the universe....and that everyone showed up for. Realizing the Time Lords have finally broken through the cracks, the Doctor also learns the name of the planet: Trenzalore.
And Because?: This episode, for all it's merits, was just a bit of a dissapointment. I loved Matt Smith's era, and the first three entries in the Doctor era (Name, Night, Day) were all fantastic. So, the fact that this one was just a bit underwhelming kinda hurt. Sure, the poem, the Wooden Cybermen, and the fantastic last scene were all pretty awesome, but the rest is low enough to earn it a spot on the list.
09) "Daleks in Manhatten/Evolution of the Daleks" (by Helen Raynor, 2007)
Doctor: David Tennant (10)
Plot: The Doctor takes Martha to Manhatten, where they learn of a Dalek plot that involves the building of the Empire State Building and pig slaves. Not just is it any group of Daleks though, it's the Doctor's old foes, the Cult of Skaro.
And Because?: While I don't hate this one as much as many others do, it's understandable what their problem is. The side-characters aren't super interesting, the plot is a little every-which-where, and the pig slaves (still a weird idea) is done better in "Aliens in London." High points include the song, the creepy Human-Dalek, and David Tennant.
08) "Night Terrors" (by Mark Gatiss, 2011
Doctor: Matt Smith
Plot: The Doctor takes Amy and Rory on a "house call" to young George, a boy with real monsters in his closet. Things began to come together when George's dad, Alex, realizes his wife can't have children, and Amy & Rory fall into the dollhouse in his closet.
And Because?: Yes, the peg dolls are probably the scariest monsters in Doctor Who (the creature under the blanket in "Listen" doesn't count), but the rest of the episode is such a big pile of nothing, who really cares? This was Mark Gatiss's last bad episode, and while it isn't as bad, "I wanna be a real boy" and more end it up on the list. Thinking about it, this was the first episode I showed my friend on the night it aired. I was so lucky he actually liked it, 'cause had I done something like this later, I'd be showing someone a far different episode.
07) "The Unquiet Dead" (by Mark Gatiss, 2005)
Doctor: Christopher Eccleston (9)
Plot: The Doctor takes Rose to Cardiff, 1869 where wintertime ghosts roam Gabriel Sneed and his clairvoyant servant, Gwenyth's funeral parlor. When Rose is captured, the Doctor teams up with Charles Dickens to get her back again.
And Because?: Honestly, I don't remember much about this episode. It's the only one I don't really have memorized. For the mere factor of that it was put on this list. Could it really have been so boring I could've forgotten? Well, some points for the early Torchwood connection and the good casting of the Christmas Carol writer himself.
06) "The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe" (by Steven Moffat, 2011)
Doctor: Matt Smith (11)
Plot: The Doctor finds himself in debt to a young woman after she helps him out of an accident. And it's time for that to be re-payed when she becomes a depressed young widow with two children at Christmas with no idea that their father is dead.
And Because?: The worst Christmas special. And do you know why? Because it is so utterly boring. This waste of an episode contains no deaths, no villians, and nothing but childish Doctor antics all the way through. The closest thing to real action is the Doctor blowing up that alien ship in the first three minutes. If it weren't for the ending scene (why are there always such great ending scenes in such poor stories?) and the Androzani reference, this would be a bit further down. It sucks. Bad.
05) "The Rings of Akhaten" (by Neil Cross, 2013)
Doctor: Matt Smith (11)
Plot: Following Clara's request to take her to something "awesome," the Doctor takes her to the Rings of Akhaten for a religious festival involving a young girl who must perform an ancient melody to keep the monstrous Grandfather asleep.
And Because?: Another disappointment from Matt's last year (following such a great one too, Bells just nearly missed out on my Top 10's honorable mentions), this one falls to two complaints that plague most of the worse Moffat era stories. Number one, lack of threat: the worst thing the creepiest monsters do in this episode is ask a little girl where she is, and the major baddie is defeated by a leaf. Second, love saves the day. I mean, every time it's used when it's not "Closing Time" or "Time Heist," it's quite annoying and facepalm-tastic. Remember the days when the Doctor saved the day by being poisoned or falling off a radio tower? Today he saves them with his heart (both of them). Hopefully if Neil Cross ever writes another story, it won't involve the power of love.
04) "The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood" (by Chris Chibnall, 2010)
Doctor: Matt Smith (11)
Plot: The Doctor takes Amy & Rory on a trip to the not-so-far-off year of 2020, where a mining corporation is currently digging deep into the Earth for a knowledgable profit. What they don't know however, is that something has been awakened from the drilling, and that something has an army.
And Because?: Gee, wait a moment, doesn't this all sound familiar? Maybe it's--no. Perhaps---nah. Oh wait, that's it: the entire plot starting with "where a mining" is exactly the same as "Doctor Who and the Silurians." No, I'm not kidding. Not only is this episode a rip-off, it's a dull, annoying 90-minute rip-off of a 3/7th longer 7-part story. The characters are unlikable, Rory dies again and everyone is crushed because there's no way in hell he's coming back, the Silurians are reduced to super lame cliched soldiers without their badass third eye, and grr...argh. Considering how much I hate this one it's magic that the other ones on this list are worse! Black magic...
03) "The Idiot's Lantern" (by Mark Gatiss, 2006)
Doctor: David Tennant (10)
Plot: The Doctor and Rose arrive in Murrel Hill, London where purchasers of Magpie Electricals' television sets begin losing both their faces and brain activity. Investigating, they learn Magpie is being controlled by an electrical being known as the Wire that's planning to rebuild its body.
And Because?: Damn it, Mark Gatiss. Nowadays you write "The Great Game" (Sherlock), "An Adventure in Space & Time," and "The Crimson Horror," but beforehand you use to write crap like this. This one is just unstoppable obnoxiousness, ranging from the guest stars to the villain to the Doc and Rose's get-ups it almost actually pains me to watch this. It's so sad that Series 2, a series that holds such greats as "The Christmas Invasion" and "The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit" is regarded as the worst of the revival thanks to this and...another one soon to come.
02) "The Curse of the Black Spot" (by Stephen Thompson, 2011)
Doctor: Matt Smith (11)
Plot: The TARDIS accidentally lands in the cargo bay of Captain John Avery's pirate ship, a cursed boat that damns anyone who happens to recieve an injury: a black spot appears on their hand, and a devious siren comes from the waters to retrieve them.
And Because?: How does this work, exactly? Steven Thompson wrote "The Reichenbach Fall" (Sherlock) and "Time Heist." Two wonderful episodes. And yet, he also wrote "Journey to the Center of the TARDIS" and this! Two frikking terrible episodes! Well, Moffat did help with those first two, and it's not like Thompson's name is first or anything...oh wait, it is! This piece of crap has another one of those "the monster is *surprise* good" endings, it has plot holes, crappy guests (save for Hugh, of course), and Rory dies...lamely. Give me a break. What possible creature from the Nethersphere could be worse than this excuse of a pirate story? Crap, I think it gave me scurvy.
Top 5 Honorable Mentions:
01) "New Earth"
The Doctor and Rose find friends and foes from the past in a hospital on New Earth.
02) "The Lazarus Experiment"
The Doctor investigates when an old man finds a way to become young again.
03) "The Fires of Pompeii"
The Doctor and Donna land in Pompeii during Volcano Day and meet Peter Capaldi.
04) "Hide"
The Doctor and Clara go ghost-hunting in a haunted mansion.
05) "Journey to the Center of the TARDIS"
The TARDIS will explode unless three junkers help the Doctor find Clara.
01) "Fear Her" (by Matthew Graham, 2006)
Doctor: David Tennant (10)
Plot: The Doctor and Rose arrive in a London neighborhood before the 2012 Olympics to find children have been disappearing. Investigation leads them to Chloe Webber, a young girl possessed by an alien that kidnaps people into her drawings.
And Because?: For starters, why is it the Doctor takes Rose to so many places on Earth? That big-a** galaxy out there has so few wonders he has to bring her around her home planet for half of their adventures? Seriously, literally two episodes in Series 2 episodes don't take place on Earth, the aforemented "Impossible Planet/Satan Pit." Really? Now, let's dig into the crappiest of the crappy. The worst of the worst. The kindergardener's artwork to Da Vinci's. First of all, Chloe Webber has got to be the most annoying kid in Who ever. Yes, even over Adric, Angie, and Artie (hey, Triple A). How hard is it not to find an annoying kid? Okay, second, the whole monster concept is stupid. Into drawings, f****** really?! And how many kid gets all upset over parentage and badness happens stories have we had in recent years? Speaking of recent years, remember when the Doctor rode that olympic torch in 2012? Yeah, me neither. It really halts the suspended reality, something "Dalek" didn't do because Van Statten's museum was way underground, and...not public! God, I could ramble on about this for about twenty more paragraphs, but I'll just post it now.
Well, thanks for reading everybody! Excuse me while I go calm myself down by punching a pillo---I mean, uh, taking a nap.
Relatively Dimensional out.
Previously: "New Series Announcement: Fortune Cookie Weekends + First Installment"
Next: "05: Top Ten Best: Modern Doctor Who Shorts"
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